I’m not sure what this is, but I have a straightforward thought process, so here goes. This post took three years of writing, erasing, rewriting and second-guessing to write, this took many tries to write and i feel I’m ok sharing this now after processing everything and stepping back to think about it.

I have always been anxious and stress pretty easy, and my mental health was horrible for a good chunk of time before I realised how bad it was affecting everything else in my life. So I started to do me-time every so often that I took time for myself every day. It was amazing for my mental health and helped me get better control over my anxiety and significantly lowered my stress level. It started small, taking a bath, taking more time to enjoy my walks, just sitting and listening to music, cooking foods I truly enjoyed and a few more things I can’t quite honestly remember currently. I have slowly changed how I speak to myself, how I take care of myself, and I am learning to love all the quirks and flaws.

So it’s been a bit over three years since I’ve really put effort into taking care of myself and learning to let things go that I can’t control. It’s still a bit hard at times, but im able to keep an calm energy; for the most part, I can put together a more positive and more amicable outlook on the things I have to let roll on by. Like everything in life, it is work, it won’t come easy, and I may have some struggles and roller coasters in my future. I hope at some point to look back and be proud of where I am today (i can do this now, but I know it’s not a huge difference from what it was, and I have much further to go).

I struggled for a long while with not being able to control how others can react, and I knew at the time you can’t change how others are, but you can try to show them how they can help themselves; someone can only change if they want to. I ended up cutting contact with my Mother for this reason. It has helped significantly and eliminated most of the anxiety/panic/stress that hit like a brick wall when I saw her or when she called. It took quite a lot of balls to do not going to lie; I still get a bit anxious thinking back on it with my free time. I had the idea of doing this for about six or so years, give or take a bit here and there; I got more comfortable with the idea after being introduced to Reddit.  Reddit is actually how I confirmed that it wasn’t normal having breakdowns, severe anxiety, and the panic that would happen every time. Maybe in the future, we can have a relationship; as for now im a little leary and im debating if it will be good for my mental health. I don’t talk about vulnerable things with well the internet or people in these moments, and by sharing this will put it out into the vast void that is the internet that may bring unwanted attention to this; Im going to have to be ok with that. I’ve processed these feelings for five years and a bit more, and im going to do what’s best for me, even if it is something others dont understand. 

There are many things I can control in my life; sometimes, I need a refresher on why im not doing something that can be a trigger for negative blahs I don’t need in my life. I use an app to help me to check in with myself called I am sober; It’s a tracking app that can help you track and keep the motivation going for not doing the toxic things. I use this to force me to keep going by sending daily reminders, and it’s to help with eating and social media handling; as of today (well, the day I started writing this), I’ve reached a 646-day streak. I am Sober is helping me to build a routine to remind me (when I don’t want to sometimes) to take some time to reflect on how the days are gone and what I learned from that day.

One of those things that I could control is my sleep schedule, it took quite a bit of routine building, but I was able to keep it going till recent events have somewhat knocked it off-kilter, but im working on correcting it.

Apps/things that helped me on my journey: #selfcare, I am Sober, keeping a planner and journal and not pushing myself beyond what im capable of on low days. It’s going to be an up and down journey; nothing is ever straight and easy. At the end of each day, im doing what’s suitable for me, and it’s not going to be easy to understand for some, but you can’t live your life for others. 

I hope everyone’s days are going well and you’re staying safe; if you need a void to scream into, your welcome to email me and im here to listen. 

Till Next Time, 

Meg

Main Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay