Im not one to share some information with others because I tend not to want to stress or worry others, im getting better at not holding information back, and it’s going to be something I will work on for the rest of my life.
I shared a post that I had a friend (BFG) look at before it was sent to the queue, and I was pretty nervous about sharing it (here is a link to the post). In the last few months, my mother has reached out, im still on the fence as I dont know how to feel yet. Some of my family tell me I should just accept that they are who they are and just put up with the emotions that come with and some tell me to do what I feel is necessary for me.
I’ve shared my thoughts with Timon, BFG and Priscilla to get some of them out and process the rest that wasn’t ready. It’s taken a long time for me to process some of the feelings that have been suppressed, ignored and flared up with having less of the world on my shoulders.
Im by no means perfect, and im never going to be perfect (id be scared if I was); I hope never to be perfect. There will be some days im good, some im not and a few in-between days. Mental health can fluctuate, up and down some days and even out on others.
Im writing this with maybe two hours of sleep (i fell asleep at maybe 5 am I think), and when I have that level of sleep, my thoughts aren’t the clearest, I tend to forget things more, my focus isn’t the greatest but it there and I get quieter as im just trying to get through the day without losing everything around me (emotions, tech, wallet, etc.). When I lived on my own, it was a bit easier to handle these days because I was able to take the time I needed to recalibrate myself back to regular without potentially hurting others when im like this.
I’ve noticed when I have less sleep, I will have more mood swings. Now it took me a while to get to where I have a routine, and im good to keep myself to myself and keep calm to avoid any explosions (whether it be good or bad). I know when I was younger, I had them, and I didn’t know how to deal with them so that I would explode, and it would usually end badly; looking back, it made quite the scene and impression on people. As I got older, it was easier for me to recognise when I was going into those moods and separate myself from others not to hurt or say im having a moment.
In college, I got diagnosed with ADHD (almost ten years ago now, time flies), which started understanding how/why I do certain things. Since then, I’ve learned much more and am able to tell my brain to chill on some stuff as it’s trying to say to me things that make no sense or are just too dark. Some days I feel like my brain and body are entirely different beings, the brain telling me that I need to stay in bed, its not worth getting out and if I need to get out of bed its because I’ll let someone down (my manager, boss, grandparents, parent etc.) and thats a little harder to deal with. A shower, some food and a mug of coffee/tea tend to help lessen the volume of the voice.
This post has gotten a bit darker and off-kilter, but I kind of like where it’s going. Im going to be off for the day; I hope you’re having a wonderful day and staying safe!
Till Next Time,